As I’ve gotten older I feel like I’ve gotten less decisive. When I was a kid, I was super picky about the foods I liked and didn’t like, to the point of refusing to eat if the meal wasn’t in my sanctioned list of meals. In my free time, I dedicated myself fully to video games. It was like routine: finish homework, log on and grind the skills. There was a competitive drive to climb the ranks, pick up on the meta game, and hone the finer mechanics.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more uncertain in what I want and what I want to dedicate myself to. Instead of having singular goals to focus on (maintain a perfect GPA, reach the top tier in League), my life is more ambiguous now. A singular goal just feels incompatible to me now. Climbing the career ladder isn’t something that appeals to me anymore. I’m drawn to optimistic ideals and pushing forward broad visions. I want to believe in futures that seem unbelievable. I want to trust in a hope that seems to good to be true. I want to work towards a world that is better than the one we were born in.
Repetition is about working towards something that you see in the distance and every day I try to embrace play in order to fight for that future that I want to immerse myself in.
Every day it feels like I’m renewing the commitment to embracing play in my life. I’m in Vegas right now and it’s hard to really commit to that because so much of my day to day is dictated by other people, so as freeing as it feels to relinquish responsibility, i worry about whether I’m making the most of my experience. One of my favorite songs is on and I’m sitting by the pool chilling and I really just cannot get into it. There’s a specific fire missing from my body. It’s like a part of my soul has been taken from me. The piece that is young and frivolous and intuitive.