id like to give myself the permission to fill my time with attending to the things and people i love, to obsess over the things that call to me with a primal gravity, to find joy & deep satisfaction in the everyday moments, in which, life frequently, stubbornly announces itself.
sometimes i feel like i’m doing nothing with my time. like my purpose is dried up. like whatever i’m doing that isn’t reified as useful by some Institute or Organization is as good as nothing.
i worry that nothing in my life is earned. That everything has been given to me for free. I feel unworthy of all the love in my life. I scorn my heart whenever it jumps for joy.
The question of deserving is an insidious one.