Exercises
2022-08-07
uncomfortable anxiety
- eye contact with man at the coffee shop
- lingering eye contact with christina at the tea ceremony
- being late to lunch / not having invited becca to things
- asking about hats
- asking for wifi at the coffee shop
- woman sitting next to me at the coffee shop
I love setting myself up for success and then blowing it. I love failing because I don’t have to deal with the consequences of success. I love to hide how I truly feel because I want to feel the tightening of my stomach. I want to be hurt. I want to feel like I’m the tortured perfect partner who can’t find someone who’s just right. I love thinking that I am so deserving without having to put the work in to be someone who lives up to that title. I love keeping things in the grey space because I can always imagine a situation where it works out.
All-powerful being
As an all-powerful being, I find it so entertaining to play a game where I stop myself from getting what I want to make people ask me for it because I find it so fun to be needed for things. That’s why I derive so much pleasure out of fulfilling people’s requests because I find it so satisfying to be in a position of power. From my position of not doing anything to achieve what I want, I get to pretend to be a person that is nonchalant and cool and gets all that he wants by simply existing and from other people wanting him. I get to be someone who is so perfect that he is desired by all others, and all of his wants are automatically perceived by the world and the people in it.
I like to play the game where I have to maintain this perfect image of being very accomplished and passionate and creative, and that other things I feel are not compatible with that like feeling horny and vulnerable and uncertain and indecisive. That way I never have to expose myself for how I really feel and I can relish the anxiety and frustration that come out of not letting these feelings get fulfilled.
Am I just afraid of expressing my desire for the flesh of another? Afraid of looking deep in your eyes without looking away, of asking to kiss you, of caressing your thigh as we pretend to watch a movie about the ridicules of society. Does part of me resist the deep need I have for others, the inherent dependence for someone else in something so intimate? I relish independence, make it a point of enjoying my solo time, don’t shy away from eating alone at a restaurant, but maybe a part of me loves to hide in that isolated space. It’s why I resist opening up emotionally, recoil from vulnerability when it peeks its snout into my consciousness. Maybe I especially shy away from physical intimacy because it is my greatest love language. It’s the area of highest pressure where I need someone else to fulfill my needs and wants. Where my cravings cannot simply be solved with a will to make things right for myself. What if I just said what came to mind in every moment? What if I let myself feel unbridled desire? Gave my eyes the permission to linger, to attend to your body with the same attention given to my surroundings when I people-watch? Gave my lungs the permission to breathe in your scent deeply, the subtle waft of perfume tickling my nose? Allowed my voice to state my feelings as facts of the world, to express my desires as innocent probes for consent, gave others the chance to actually respond to what I feel and want rather than keeping the easy status quo.
I want to say-yes, I too feel overwhelming, crippling desire to
I want to nuzzle my face in the depths of your body
i love wanting and not getting feelings are just
from nagle
well, it seems to me like you might hide something like “horniness.” there’s a lot of reasons to explore if that’s true, and why that might be (shyness? race? gender?), but, if that points at anything real, one interesting thing that comes to mind is to explore writing from that place. one idea is writing something which no one will ever see. from the place of horniness, or the place of - what is the resistance to it coming up or being seen or visible? (like if a child was convinced that had to hide their hunger for food or thirst for water, you’d wonder why they were hiding it.)