Be an Asker
Metadata
Highlights
- When I was a kid and she was trying to change a flight reservation or persuade someone to do something she would spend literal hours on the phone—she’d just keep calling back until she found someone who would do it. At the time I found that super embarrassing, as kids do. But looking back, I see that I internalized something important: how to ask for what you want.
- But those are the exceptions, since most of the time you are not going to be penalized for asking. You penalize yourself: that’s why you don’t ask. But if you’re able to stop punishing yourself for asserting your needs, something very important changes. You become capable of advocating for yourself.
- I think a lot of people who don’t ask for what they want explicitly end up resenting themselves and resenting the world.
- However, they’re not coming at it from a needy place—they’re genuinely super chill and are fine with hearing a no; they’re also good at making people feel like it’s safe to say no to them
- Eventually I realized I was being silly and now I come in with very specific instructions. But I think this kind of scenario is perfect for practicing because obviously this trained professional wants to give you a haircut you don’t hate.
- Truly difficult: being honest about your needs in important relationships (friendships, partners, etc). I think like 85% of people just absolutely can’t do this, so if you can, kudos to you.
- e. It’s amazing to me how many people find roundabout ways to lightly hint at what they want when they probably could’ve saved themselves hours and hours by just asking directly. You may think your hints are super obvious, but most people are not paying as much attention to you as you think they are. If you really, really want to know what the answer is, just ask.
- People who are indirect often end up being dishonest just because they’re so uncomfortable with the prospect of saying no. Examples: buying something you don’t want, ghosting someone after a third date, lying when you are definitely not planning to hang out with someone again. Obviously, it’s good to be tactful, but I think most people would benefit from being significantly more direct.
title: “Be an Asker”
author: “ava.substack.com”
url: ”https://ava.substack.com/p/be-an-asker”
date: 2023-12-19
source: hypothesis
tags: media/articles
Be an Asker
Metadata
Highlights
- When I was a kid and she was trying to change a flight reservation or persuade someone to do something she would spend literal hours on the phone—she’d just keep calling back until she found someone who would do it. At the time I found that super embarrassing, as kids do. But looking back, I see that I internalized something important: how to ask for what you want.
- But those are the exceptions, since most of the time you are not going to be penalized for asking. You penalize yourself: that’s why you don’t ask. But if you’re able to stop punishing yourself for asserting your needs, something very important changes. You become capable of advocating for yourself.
- I think a lot of people who don’t ask for what they want explicitly end up resenting themselves and resenting the world.
- However, they’re not coming at it from a needy place—they’re genuinely super chill and are fine with hearing a no; they’re also good at making people feel like it’s safe to say no to them
- Eventually I realized I was being silly and now I come in with very specific instructions. But I think this kind of scenario is perfect for practicing because obviously this trained professional wants to give you a haircut you don’t hate.
- Truly difficult: being honest about your needs in important relationships (friendships, partners, etc). I think like 85% of people just absolutely can’t do this, so if you can, kudos to you.
- e. It’s amazing to me how many people find roundabout ways to lightly hint at what they want when they probably could’ve saved themselves hours and hours by just asking directly. You may think your hints are super obvious, but most people are not paying as much attention to you as you think they are. If you really, really want to know what the answer is, just ask.
- People who are indirect often end up being dishonest just because they’re so uncomfortable with the prospect of saying no. Examples: buying something you don’t want, ghosting someone after a third date, lying when you are definitely not planning to hang out with someone again. Obviously, it’s good to be tactful, but I think most people would benefit from being significantly more direct.